Terms and Conditions

We don't ask for much, but we will boot you should you disobey us.

Laws

  1. Queen's word is law
  2. Thou shalt not swear uncreatively
  3. Thou shalt not disobey the Queen
  4. Thou shalt not kill in vain
  5. Thou shalt not stand on the castle without Queen
  6. Thou shalt not commit suicide for a stupid reason
  7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's life
  8. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's spouse
  9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's unicorn
  10. Thou shalt hail Queen Amythestbrabakapplebottom
  11. Thou shalt live in wicked glee
  12. Thou shalt not dance and be merry without Queen Amy 
  13. The Highness's Lackey Loki is not a toy
  14. The live band is not here for our amusement
  15. Thou shalt not use the live band without Queen Amy
  16. These are not the Ten Commandments
  17. The Ten Commandments stopped seven laws ago
  18. Thou shalt not romp through Didli Village without
  19. Queen Amy
  20. Thou shalt not pronounce muscles as mussles
  21. Thou shalt not steal the concept of the Sacred Spoon
  22. Thou shalt not be Des unless thou art Des
  23. Thou shalt not raspberry Lissa or any of her aliases
  24. Thou shalt not strip if Queen Amy thinks she may need binoculars
  25. For the following 205 laws, see LAW ONE

Punishments

If thou sweareths uncreatively, thou shalt be smitten with a wooden spoon. 
If thou disobeyeths the Queen, thou shalt be smitten with a wooden spoon.
If thou killeths in vain thou shalt be smitten with a wooden spoon.
If thou killeths again, thou shalt be taken to the Dignified Torture Chamber and smitten with a larger wooden spoon.
If thou killeths again whilst on probation (what WERE you thinking?) thou shalt be taken off Queen Amy's Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Birthday etc. card list
If thou commits suicide for a stupid reason (the Queen decides that ) we WILL bring you back, smite you with the spoon and kill you again for being stupid.
If thou covets thy neighbor's life, spouse or assorted fruits and veggies, thou shalt be smitten with a wooden spoon ~ but if you covet thy neighbor's unicorn, thou shalt have a wooden spoon chucked at thine head.
If thou useth the live band without the Queen, you know the drill.
If thou romps through Diddli Village without the Queen, thou art an idiotic pansy and shalt be smitten.
If thou pronounceth muscles as mussles, thou shalt have a mussle chucked at thine head followed by a smiting with a wooden spoon.
If thou stealeths the concept of the Sacred Spoon (copyright), thou shalt be expelled from all spoon enterprises and are not even worthy of being smitten with a wooden spoon.
If thou raspberries Lissa or any of her aliases (unless you are Queen Amy or the unholy Des) thou shalt be smitten across the kisser with a large wooden spoon. 
If thou stripeths when Queen Amy thinkeths she may needeth binoculareths, thou shalt be smitten with a wooden spoon across your goo-goos (Mr. Happy is happy no more, Mwa ha ha!!).
If thou danceth and be merry without the Queen, thou shalt have wooden spoons chucked at thou until such time as the Queen is done being amused.

Just because we do not specify a punishment does NOT mean one doesn't exist. 
It just means that we did not feel like telling you what that punishment was ~ instead, it gets to be a jolly little surprise (in other words, we make one up).
Depending on Queenie's and/or the High Priestess's mood, it could be anything from a smiting with a moderately-sized wooden spoon to having all limbs removed and being kept bedridden as a living torso.  This procedure would probably (unless we're feelin lazy) also involve removal of the eyes, nose and ears.
 
Thank you for your cooperation.  Good night and good health, adoring subjects.
P.S.  Yes, we do play favorites.  Sucking up and bribery pays off in this Queendom of equality.